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Products:
Million DNA Spray
Senior police officers have expressed a desire to collect the DNA of each one of us, to keep on file. It will help them to solve the crimes that they are certain we'd like to commit. Now that we may be identified by just one piece of DNA, could crime become history? Here is your chance to escape justice with this Million DNA Spray. It is small enough to slip into your pocket when travelling between crimes, and just a single squirt will provide the police with the DNA samples of at least one million of your fellow earthlings, which should keep 'em busy for some time. It is a modern and convenient alternative to the old-fashioned and time consuming method of collecting barbershop floorsweepings in a carrier bag and then sprinkling them about the crimescene - and works equally well for disguising your presence at murders and burglaries. Imagine your pleasure when you read that someone else has been convicted of your crime!
The product has been developed by scientists working on the Human Genome Project. Each canister contains a unique combination of human DNA samples, with added potato DNA, to fool the boys in blue!
» SORRY! Not Yet Available!
Holy Relics and Profane Novelties:
St Anthony's Thighbone
When St Elizabeth of Hungary died the people cut off
her ears and parts of her breasts for relics, whereas the monks of Pontigny removed the arm from
the body of St Edmund Rich, whose body "God had kept undecayed " .
In the case of the latter, God had the last word by ensuring that the arm no longer
exhibited its previous miraculous powers.We all know that there are so many fragments of the True Cross on display around the world as could amply stock a timber yard, and nails taken from the feet of Our Lord to fix all the floorboards in a large house.
Pilgrims flock to these relics, whether to gain celestial favour or to expiate their sins. The towns and churches that possess the relics do a nice trade offering refreshments and mementos to the pilgrims. Holy relics is good business!
Fate, though, is cruel to those towns and churches without relics. Pilgrims pass by without stopping, and the true believers that live there must go on a bus ride before they can expiate their sins. It is for them that I offer this service.
- Fragments of The True Cross or that of Dismas the Penitent Thief. (Choice of Black Ash, Pine or Cedar finish)
- Nails taken from said crosses.
- A part of the thighbone of St Anthony.
- A Feather from the Angel Gabriel's wings.
- A hair from the beard of St Uncumber, who was threatened with severe punishment unless she married a man that she did not love. In the night she grew a beard and the man miraculously withdrew his offer.
- Other miscellaneous desiccated parts, attributable by request.
» Contact for price list
Elfin Grot
John Keats wrote:" She took me to her elfin grot, And there she wept and sighed full sore, And there I shut her wild, wild eyes, With kisses four. "
I have never been sure just what is 'Elfin Grot', but recently a job lot came into my possession, courtesy of a man I met on a street corner - alone and palely loitering, as it happens. I'm willing to offload it for a good price, to anyone that wants to make an offer.
» Contact for price list
Products:
Hilarious T-Shirts:Impress your friends. ..etc...
» Not available!
Autobiography:
The incredible tale from rags to riches. ..etc
» Not Available!
Mohammed Atta's Passport:
Not the one 'found' by the FBI, but the real one, reduced to a small pile of ashes.
» Apply for price