Embarrassing Sleeve Notes

"WE ARE FROM HUNGARY. WE PLAY HUNGARIAN AND ROUMANIAN RURAL AND URBAN MUSIC ON THIS CASETTE."

These few words accompany the cassette of the Hungarian band Cifra, and I believe that they have set the standard by which all other sleeve notes should be judged. Aside from the single spelling mistake, the message is exemplary. What more could we ask than to be informed of where Cifra are from and what types of music they perform? Alas, not all artistes are so concise.

Let us examine the sleeve notes of Dr John's Gris-gris (ATCO,1968): He begins by elaborating on the initial personnel list thus:

"My group consists of Dr. Poo Pah Doo of Destine Tambourine and Dr. Ditmus of Conga…" even though the same musicians are listed above simply as Mo Pedido and Richard "Didimus" Washington. (You sense that these New Orleans session musicians might not have appreciated surrendering their names - on what is, after all, a rather good album - and perhaps this was the compromise that was reached.) After listing such persons as Dr. Boudreaux of Funky Knuckle Skins (John Boudreaux, Drums) and Cecilia La Favorite (not mentioned above), he states that they were "all dreged up from The Rigolets by the Zombie of the Second Line. Under the eight visions of Professor Longhair reincannted the charts of now".

He goes on to describe his work, in a style quite unlike the plain-speaking Cifra: "I will mash my special fais deaux-deaux on all you who buy my charts. The rites of Coco Robicheaux who, invisible to all but me, will act as a second guardian angel until you over-work him". He continues rambling on, at some length, about Tit Alberto "who brought the Saute Chapeau" [Conspicuous hat? I'm not familiar with Cajun French], Chieu Va Bruler, Aunt Francis and Mimi, and then he finishes by offering us some kind of benediction: "..may the gilded splinters of Auntie Andre spew forth in your path to light and guide your way through the bayous of life on your pirougue of heartaches and good times...push and the shove that you need to get your point across no matter what the cost". No comment! But click here to read the complete notes - if you dare.

Van Morrison's Astral Weeks (Warner Bros., also 1968 - a vintage year for sleeve notes) is often listed among the top ten albums as chosen by rock journalists, so it must be quite a good record. Why, though, does nobody ever mention the sleeve notes that accompany this classic work? Perhaps because no one knows what Van was on about, and they are too afraid to ask him. I think it is a poem written to a girl that he met the day before. The complete poem is here.

"Loved you there and then, and now like a sheep I close my eyes and sleep for love comes flowing streams of consciousness Soft like snow, to and fro,…"

Performers at the funkier end of jazz don't see themselves merely as musicians, but they are prophets imparting spiritual, philosophical and political messages to their followers. Take this from Billy Cobham's Spectrum (Atlantic, 1973), in which he answers his own rhetorical questions:

" What is life but a spectrum, and what is music but life itself." It's hard to disagree.. ..because it doesn't make any sense!

On Street Life (MCA, 1979) the Crusaders go one (or two) better. Each of the three members of the band provides his own (autographed) thoughts on the theme of Street Life:

"Here's to the streets of the world that blossom forth a bouquet of humanity [Blimey!] with all of its feelings of love, hate, pleasure and pain. As this scenario unfolds through our music, may a facet of your existence be touched [Blimey! ..again…]."

"Stix" Hooper

"The heartbeat of man is felt in the street. Love, sorrow, joy and pain [Do you see a pattern?]. Rhythm flows in varying degrees. Music stirs the feet and hands. In our music, our lives are shown. Come join the Street Life - you and me."

Wilton Felder

"An artist's window, a musician's instrument, a composer's orchestra, a poet's vocabulary [He could go on: …a brickie's trowel.. ..a butcher's saw.. ..an accountant's calculator.. ] are all portrayed in the crescendos and diminuendos of Street Life. I play the Street Life and witness the rhythm of life."

Joseph S. Sample

The worst album title belongs to Kaleidoscope for 'Faintly Blowing' (Fontana, 1969), and David Symonds' sleeve notes are perfectly judged to suit:

[Excerpt]: "Coquetry unappeased. Cerebellum fattened like fine goose-livers for the paté factory. This is a very good album.." No it isn't, and so we shan't waste our time on this any longer.

The sleeve notes for The Complete Adventures of the Style Council (1998) were credited to 'The Cappuccino Kid', which was an alias of the music journalist Paolo Hewitt. Until I have time to transcribe the whole rotten lot of it you will have to make do with this excerpt:

"In this time of spring, when God awakes and turns the trees pink, and we start to dream of getting stoned on sunshine, I am always drawn to count myself backwards to the birth of my dreams if only to check how far I have travelled forward on the gravel nature - I can't help but let my mind come to rest at those Council summers, for make no mistake, my dear links, The Style Council were summer just as the teasers, magicians, flirts' and clothes horses of the most admirable kind."